Right through me!

I thought he could see right through me, and he could, well kind of, he is the one man that loved me regardless of my bad attitude and constant complaints, weight gain, weight loss, and ever changing mood, and continues nagging (to get him to go back to school) because i could Always see the man he could be, but never the man that he was, the man that loved me unconditionally.

 61/2 years of ups and downs and i finally learned to love him for the man he was, and not the man he could be, and then it was over, because i would not give him what he wanted, and i would not swallow my pride, and do the only thing he ever asked for out of me, a baby!

 But what about what I wanted? All the places I wanted to see, all things I wanted to do? Besides being someone’s mother, nurse, caregiver, and play toy, besides i was not sure if i would even make a good mother, i knew what i was good at seduction and being a bitch.

But mother hood?!?!?!?! not sure if that was something that was even meant for me, that's for people with big hearts and unconditional understanding, and i do not have those qualities, I'm impatient and arrogant and brutally honest, some time to a fault, i would feel bad for any kid that got stuck with  me.

And i could not swallow my pride and do what i new would keep him, but i knew that HE would be a great parent,and i knew this would make him happy, but i did not want to become the statistical black women, but how do i know that my life would not have been better, or good for that matter, with a man who loves me unconditionally, why would i not be able to have it all? it would only be with my own limitations that i would not be able to have it all, a career, a family and all the traveling and fun i could withstand. Is that realistic? i did not think so at the time, but now I'm not to sure.

Again i ask you how do we know what comes first? for the typical twenty first century woman, marriage does not have to be first, a career does not have to come first, so how do we deceiver in our own life's what is best for us? is it by meticulous planning or is it trial and error and we just jump into it and hope for the best.

I don't think these things can really be planned out, sometimes to make the most out of our lives we just have to dive in feet first blind to the outcomes.