I think I can, I Think I can.......But DOING it is the hardest part

So it’s that time of the year again: THE HOLIDAYS.

The time of the year when I can only think about one thing: MY FUTURE...

I start scrambling and thinking of ways to get by. This time of year makes me think about all the things that I can NOT afford to get my friends and family... I know what you're thinking--- just make them gifts! But guess what, I'm not that damned creative! I save that shit for people like Martha Stewart and Victoria Hamilton (http://satindolldc.blogspot.com/)

I'm the kind of girl who finds it easier to buy stuff,  like gift cards (even though they are completely impersonal and show no consideration for the person that you are giving them to, but I hate trying to find things for people, especially when there is a chance that they might not like it, or just try to return the crap that I picked up for them anyways!!!) (Kala, MOM, UHHHH  rude!!!!) http://youtu.be/jZkdcYlOn5M

Anyways, for the last five years I have thought of nothing but going to law school, not for the money, (although the money helps) but more for the stability and the self worth. (I know lawyers aren't stable and the job situation is crap and blah blah blah, but I have confidence in myself, and I have a master plan.)

I have been studying for this damned LSAT for 5 years (well on and off) and I have yet to accomplish anything with this stupid test. I mean I just don't seem to get the crap, it just does not seem to be sinking into my head. I have yet to have that aha moment that Oprah talks about, where everything just clicks. I mean I get it when I can discuss it with someone else but when it's just me and that damned test, my lights go out :(

So... this year I have made a decision: DECEMBER 11th I'm going to take this test for the last time and if I do not do well, I will move on with my life and not look back. It probably just means that this was not meant for me, and maybe something better will come along. But I must go back to school. I'm going to give it my all, and try my HARDEST, and at the end I will know that I did my best.
So friends and family, this year for the holidays you will be getting NOTHING, because I have not had that AHA moment, which would have afforded me a better job, with better pay, to get you guys those UN-thoughtful gift cards I know you all so love.

 **All I can give you is me. My dreams, my time, my love.
If that isn't enough, I'm not sure what else I can do.
Just please love me the way I love you and understand. And in the future we can all celebrate my successes and yours too!**

Right through me!

I thought he could see right through me, and he could, well kind of, he is the one man that loved me regardless of my bad attitude and constant complaints, weight gain, weight loss, and ever changing mood, and continues nagging (to get him to go back to school) because i could Always see the man he could be, but never the man that he was, the man that loved me unconditionally.

 61/2 years of ups and downs and i finally learned to love him for the man he was, and not the man he could be, and then it was over, because i would not give him what he wanted, and i would not swallow my pride, and do the only thing he ever asked for out of me, a baby!

 But what about what I wanted? All the places I wanted to see, all things I wanted to do? Besides being someone’s mother, nurse, caregiver, and play toy, besides i was not sure if i would even make a good mother, i knew what i was good at seduction and being a bitch.

But mother hood?!?!?!?! not sure if that was something that was even meant for me, that's for people with big hearts and unconditional understanding, and i do not have those qualities, I'm impatient and arrogant and brutally honest, some time to a fault, i would feel bad for any kid that got stuck with  me.

And i could not swallow my pride and do what i new would keep him, but i knew that HE would be a great parent,and i knew this would make him happy, but i did not want to become the statistical black women, but how do i know that my life would not have been better, or good for that matter, with a man who loves me unconditionally, why would i not be able to have it all? it would only be with my own limitations that i would not be able to have it all, a career, a family and all the traveling and fun i could withstand. Is that realistic? i did not think so at the time, but now I'm not to sure.

Again i ask you how do we know what comes first? for the typical twenty first century woman, marriage does not have to be first, a career does not have to come first, so how do we deceiver in our own life's what is best for us? is it by meticulous planning or is it trial and error and we just jump into it and hope for the best.

I don't think these things can really be planned out, sometimes to make the most out of our lives we just have to dive in feet first blind to the outcomes.

Here we go!

Well first I want to start off by saying that I am so grateful to everyone who cares about what I write. Now with the preliminaries out the way let’s begin

I wanted to start this blog because I wanted to show how UN-ordinary one persons life could be, so I’m going to try to tell it all, the good, the bad, and the truly ugly, and while doing so I hope I don’t offend or sham to many people (i.e. my family), I know that my writing is deplorable but I hope you all bear with me.

Well let’s get started!

P.S if you have not noticed this blog is ALL about me J